How Did We Get Here?
by AdenaMentzel
Summary: PostRENT, begins the day after Valentine's Day...Mark observes the world, beginning with Maureen, who is sleeping on his couch...
1. How Did We Get Here?

"February 15th, 1991, 3 pm, Eastern Standard Time. Close on Maureen, the Drama Queen, who is sleeping on my couch after having been evicted by Joanne for cheating…Maureen will be protesting her latest cause at the Eleventh Street Lot in about ten hours. She looks innocent right now, but you best not be the one to wake the slumbering beast…Pan left to Roger, who is laughing, a sound which just last year had been such a rarity in his life. Until, of course, he was given a second…well, third chance at love. His second chance with Mimi." Roger flipped me the bird. "Close on Mimi, who is sleeping in Roger's bed. Her reason for sleeping so late? She was at work until four this morning. It was not the preferred way to spend Valentine's Day. Of course, how would I know? I'm still alone." I turned the camera off and trudged towards the kitchen, filling a mug with sludge that Roger claimed was coffee. I had no choice but to believe him on that one. I looked at the disheveled woman on the torn couch, wondering what exactly had happened the previous night. I wouldn't have been surprised if she had been cheating, but she had always like Valentine's Day. Pointless as she always said it was, she was too much of a romantic and a lover to pass up the little opportunity. And there was the sex factor. Besides, she found seemingly pointless holidays to be both fun and endlessly amusing. She stretched, looking very feline even in the state of disarray, and upon opening her eyes, looked slightly confused as she slowly tested the light, which was incredibly bright given our lack of curtains in the huge windows. It was uncharacteristically warm for February, and her body looked spectacular bathed in the sunlight as it was. She smiled at me when she caught me staring at her. She got up and stumbled towards the bathroom. "I bet she has a killer hangover," I mumbled to no one in particular as I heard retching sounds that made me cringe.

"Always does," Roger added, snapping me out of my thoughts as I remembered I wasn't physically alone in the room, "especially after she cheats."

"Shut up, Roger."

"You know I love Maureen. But it _was_ about time someone finally gave her the boot."

"They've broken up before."

"Yeah. Over _flirting_. Imagine Joanne reacting to _cheating_. You know, Maureen coming home with a man. On Valentine's Day, no less."

"Shut up, Roger."

"You know I'm right." Mimi chose that moment to shuffle into the kitchen in search of caffeine.

"Morning, boys." Roger took advantage of her more than slightly out of it state to prove his point.

"You agree with me, right Meems?"

"Mm-hmm." She slurped the nasty liquid, not seeming to mind its foul flavor. "Wait, what are we talking about?"

"Nothing," I declared firmly, "we are not talking about anything." Roger glared at me, then kissed Mimi. "Get a room!"

"This is a room, Mark, and you're out numbered." At that precise moment, there was a loud crash from the bathroom, which caused us all to stop what we were doing. We stared at the bathroom door, as if we could see through it, then at each other. I ran over to the door to see what was going on, leaving Roger and Mimi behind, both of them looking a combination of amused, concerned, and confused. I knocked lightly on the door.

"Maureen? Are you okay in there?" There was no response, so I pushed the door open carefully, finding her curled up in a ball on the floor, sweating, shaking and looking otherwise completely petrified. I picked her up, carrying her into the common area, realizing for the first time how much smaller she was than I remembered, she was so light, so thin…so much like Mimi had been that last Christmas Eve, not at all the Maureen that I remembered…


	2. Close On Maureen

I put Maureen gently down on the loft's large aluminum table so that I could look her over. At first glance, it looked as though she was going through the same sort of withdrawal symptoms that I had seen Mimi and Roger through. But Maureen doesn't do drugs…does she? I don't think so. I gently asked her what was wrong, but she turned her face away, hugging her knees tightly and rocking on the table. I rubbed her back gently and she flinched at my touch. I didn't know what to do. Roger and Mimi had made there way over to the table and were looking her over with concern clearly evident in their eyes. I sat down beside her, feeling utterly at a loss, not being able to figure out what was wrong with Maureen, not knowing what to do to help. Ordinarily I might not have thought anything of her state, her hangovers could get really awful sometimes. But she had lost so much weight and she wouldn't even look me in the eyes, the slightest touch made her leap a mile. Her body was suddenly wracked by a coughing fit, and I helped her to the bathroom, where her stomach expelled its already mostly depleted contents. Her arms shook uncontrollably as she gripped the toilet. I lifted her again and returned her to the common area, watching her closely. Maureen had always been the strong one, always able to take care of herself. I had never seen her this physically and emotionally weak before in my life. The fact that she went from smiling at me when she first woke up to this concerned me even more. What started all of this? What happened? I remembered that Maureen had never been one to eat much, to the point where we would actually have to remind her to do so, which Joanne had done a good job of, although I couldn't remember Maureen ever actually submitting to the request. Could this be a result of that? Roger brought a blanket over from the couch and gently wrapped it around Maureen's shivering, shaking form, and she pulled it tightly around herself.

"Mark, what the fuck is going on here?"

"I have no idea. And she won't tell me."

"She would choose a time like this to be difficult." Now Maureen spoke weakly from where she was sitting, which was about three feet away.

"Roger, shut up." Roger's eyes softened immensely as he saw the hurt in her eyes, the fear. He moved closer to her, not knowing what to make of the situation. "Maureen…I…" he reached out to touch her, and she flinched when his hand was only halfway there. He cautiously and gingerly placed two fingers beneath her chin, lifting it so that he could look her in the eye. Mimi walked up to me and asked me the same thing that Roger had. I turned to face her, my face streaked with tears, though I was unsure of exactly why—perhaps because of Maureen's destroyed state of being, or maybe that Roger was doing so much of a better job with Maureen than I could, but probably a combination of the two. Mimi hugged me, and then we proceeded to watch Roger's attempt at getting a response out of Maureen so that we knew what course of action to take. Maureen had begun to cry, trying to turn away from Roger, who held her in a forceful embrace, which she eventually succumbed to. How is it that Roger can be better at this than I am? He's so rough around the edges. He really is a great guy though, underneath his hardened heart. He's just scared and scarred, but beneath that he is one of the most sensitive people on the planet. Still, I wish that I could be the one to comfort her, though I suppose it doesn't really matter. Maureen pushed Roger away, attempting to stand up. I caught her as she was about to hit the floor, and she smiled at me sheepishly. Again, not a look one was accustomed to getting from the drama queen.

"Maureen, I know that I asked you this already, but what's wrong? We want to help you out, but we can't unless you tell us what's going on." She motioned to my bedroom, so I helped her to walk over there and sit on my bed. Then I closed the door.

Maureen gently slid her shirt off, which shocked me, although I quickly saw what she was trying to show me. Initially, I was distracted by the fact that you could see all of her bones through her skin, but then I saw the grotesque discolorations and lacerations. Her upper body was bruised and even cut in some places. I sharply inhaled at the sight, which caused her to become self-conscious. I extended an arm to prevent her from moving, and just took in the horrific sight.

"Sweetie, how did this happen? Who did this to you? Was it Joanne?" She dropped her head in her hands. She put her shirt back on quickly and opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out, but rather, a steady stream of tears flowed down her face, so I pulled her into a very gently hug, so as not to hurt her. "Shh…it's okay. You don't have to tell me right now. It's okay." She stood up on shaking legs, and for a moment I thought that she was going to try to leave, but she slid her pants off, revealing badly bruised thighs and torn underwear. She pulled her pants back on quickly, ashamed and tried to run out of my room, but I stood between her and the door, and she sat back down on the bed. She sat there for a long moment, looking down at her hands, twisting one of her rings continuously around her finger. I put my hands over hers, and she looked up into my eyes, but couldn't hold my gaze.

"Mark…I…I…I didn't cheat on her. I…I mean, there was this guy…but I…didn't…he…was this guy from…her office…and I…was…went to visit her…stupid, because she doesn't like that…he…he…threatened me…he had a knife…and I…we were in the elevator…and I…he…and Joanne…she didn't believe me…and…I was crying…and…she…still…thought that…so…I got…frustrated…so I just…told her…she was right…that…I…cheated…" she completely broke down, sobbing, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I held her close until her breathing became regular, and realized that she had fallen asleep. I gently disentangled myself from her, and tucked her in to my bed, kissing her on the forehead before leaving her there.

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**Author's note:** Thanks for the comments. Keep them coming :) Sorry if this isn't the most original story, but I decided I'd try my hand at it. The idea wouldn't leave me alone. It's definitely gonna get more complex, and input would be greatly appreciated.


	3. Into The Abyss

"Hey you guys, I think we should get Maureen to the hospital. I'm really worried about her." I emerged from my bedroom more distraught than I had entered it. I thought that if she had told me what was wrong I would feel somewhat better, but instead my growing concern was too much for me to handle. I flopped onto the couch and picked up my camera and started to play with it. Mimi walked over and sat beside me.

"Did she tell you what happened?"

"Yeah. But that's not all that I'm concerned about. Have you noticed how much weight she has lost in the past couple of months? I didn't notice until I went to pick her up…I guess she's been wearing bigger clothes or we haven't seen her that much recently, but you can see the bones through her skin." Oops. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

"How do you know? Did you see her without her clothes on?" Yeah, definitely shouldn't have said that.

"It's not what you think. She wanted to…show me…she um…" I wasn't sure whether I should tell Mimi or not, and I was relatively certain that Maureen didn't want anyone else to know, but I whispered the words anyway, needing to talk to somebody, "she was raped." Mimi's face reflected utter shock. It was unfathomable that Maureen would have been vulnerable to get raped. Maureen had never even been jumped or mugged as the rest of us all had at least once—even Roger, the only thing anyone ever wanted from her was to flirt. Maybe she was flirting with this guy? That's ridiculous. Maureen had never shown enough emotion to be taken as vulnerable, and rape victims tended to be vulnerable. Something must have happened to prompt this. The guys at Joanne's office were jackasses, but why would one of them have had a knife in the elevator? Perhaps it was a client of theirs. But to rape somebody in an elevator? That doesn't sound at all right. I don't have any reason not to believe that she is telling the truth, but something tells me that there is a piece of the puzzle missing. I don't want to press her too much, she it too fragile right now. Besides, Joanne could be ridiculous at times, but to not believe that Maureen had been raped? I mean, I guess it is a little weird that she would have been raped in the elevator, but Maureen would probably not have had some random quickie with a guy in an elevator. I wonder why she didn't show Joanne these injuries? They would have been proof. What is going on in that head of hers?

"MARK!"

"Huh?"

"I was asking you how she is."

"Oh, sorry. She's sleeping right now."

"You're really worried about her, aren't you?"

"Well, as Collins _loves_ to point out daily, I _am_ still in love with her. But aside from that, I'm not quite sure that the whole story checks out, or makes a whole lot of sense. I don't have any reason not to trust her, I suppose, but it just seems so…bizarre. I feel like she's not telling me something. Which is understandable, she was completely distraught, but still…it makes me anxious not knowing. Especially because Maureen is always so in control of her life, of her emotions. I don't remember ever seeing her cry before, and I certainly have never seen her looking physically as weak as she does right now. I just don't know how something like this could have happened."

"Well, I don't expect you to tell me what she told you, because she probably doesn't want you to, but I just can't see her being raped. She's so strong, like you said. I think that there must have been something else. People with so much control over their emotions and other people don't tend to get attacked or raped. I mean, sure there are random crazies out there, but…I don't know."

"Well, that was what I was thinking. I don't know how to approach her about it. I don't want to make things worse for her. I don't want her to get mad at me." The phone rang.

"SPEEEEEEEEEEAK!"

"Mark? Roger? Are you there? Stop screening. It's Joanne. I know at least one of you is there. Look, I just want to drop Maureen's things off…"

"Hi Joanne. Come on up."

"Is she there?"

"She's sleeping. Just…"

"I'll be out of there before she wakes up. I don't want to see her."

"Joanne? What happened between you guys?"

"I'm coming up now. Goodbye." Mimi retreated into the room that she was sharing with Roger in order to find some clothes, though I knew that she didn't want to see Joanne. Roger put his guitar down, and walked away from the window where I hadn't even noticed he was sitting. I was so accustomed to hearing him playing that I didn't even hear it anymore. He, apparently, hadn't noticed that I had come back out of my room until I picked up the phone. His eyes were red, and I could tell that he had been crying. Roger was always fond of Maureen, sure her irresponsible behavior sometimes pissed him off, but they were good friends. The fact that I was hopelessly devoted to her had first pissed Roger off, but he couldn't help but care about her. His hardened exterior would never directly say that to her, but he wasn't usually particularly mean to her. Roger, Maureen and I had been through more together than any of us had individually with anyone else. Collins had been there, but he was always away teaching somewhere, and though we all loved him, he had been around so rarely that he missed a lot—like April's suicide, for instance. Benny, of course, had become estranged from us, and had been the last to move in, and the first to move out. April and Roger had started going out soon after Benny moved in, and continued seeing each other for probably about five years. She had killed herself on the same day, coincidentally, that we had received the wedding invitation from Benny. The three of us had met randomly at a bar about seven years ago, and I don't remember specifically how we all got to talking, but Maureen had been flirting with both of us, I remember, and eventually it got down to none of us having a place to live, essentially all of us having been disowned by our parents for different reasons, all wanting to work on our art, romanced by the Bohemian life. After being kicked out of the bar, we stumbled drunkenly down the sidewalk and happened upon the loft. All three of us had been trying to find a place, but individually had next to no money, as it was we barely had enough to cover rent among the three of us. For the first year we lived in the loft, we had no electricity. We didn't even have a phone for the first six months, except for the payphone outside, which we could only use occasionally; we needed to spend whatever money we could put together on food. Roger's gigs had begun to pick up steam, he played CBGBs several times with his band, that was when we were able to get the phone, Maureen got several small roles in plays, sometimes a singing gig or two, she even sang with Roger's band once or twice. It was a tough life, and we had a tremendous amount of luck for a little while. Of course, the rent got too much for us when we went through periods of none of us being able to get work, which was why Collins and Benny were brought in to our loft and our lives. Collins' work was usually pretty regular, although he kept continually losing his job because of the pigheaded people who wouldn't accept his philosophy, or just disappearing for long amounts of time…but he always contributed as much as he could towards the rent. Often more than any of the rest of us could. We couldn't understand why he put up with us, but he was a good friend and we needed the money. Benny was just the same as the rest of us—starving and unable to get satisfying work. Usually at least one of us was able to have some sort of income, no matter how small, at all points in the year. We mostly depended on Roger, until he met April, and smack.

Joanne took a really long time getting up to our loft, although it was plausible given Maureen's tremendous amount of crap, for which she had always been mercilessly teased. I could only hope that Joanne would be in and out before Maureen woke up. After about fifteen minutes, Joanne appeared, looking exhausted and irritated.

"You know, Joanne, you could have asked me to help you."

"No it's really okay. I'm just glad that I am done with this tango."

"Don't think it's so easy to get out of." Roger looked at me questioningly.

"It's not important, Roger." He nodded and proceeded to ask Joanne what exactly had happened. I shot him a warning look, and silently we agreed not to mention the uncharacteristic state that we had found Maureen in that morning.

"Well, we had one of our famous fights in the morning, though I don't actually remember what it was about, but probably her flirting with someone or other. It was one of the worst fights that I think we had ever had-- I do remember that. Anyway, she stormed out of the room and locked herself in the bathroom. Her dramatic exit, you know. So I left for work and…" At that precise moment, Maureen softly padded out of my room to go to the bathroom, but caught sight of Joanne, and narrowed her eyes at her. Maureen looked completely a mess, her hair crazier than usual, her face splotchy, with bags under her eyes. Seeing her like that hurt me, and I couldn't tell how strongly it affected Joanne, but she addressed Maureen coldly anyway. "Here are your things—all of them. I would appreciate it if you don't try to contact me anymore."

"Go to Hell. If you still aren't willing to believe me, I have nothing to say to you." Maureen continued on her way to the bathroom, and Joanne continued.

"I walked in on her with Steve, one of my associates. That was the last straw." Roger's jaw dropped and he looked at me, and I mouthed the word rape as Joanne continued to maliciously eye the bathroom door. I could see rage building up in his eyes. Roger was always overprotectiveIt took a lot of restraint for me to not go crazy on Joanne, but I knew that attacking Joanne would not be the best course of action, as Maureen wouldn't exactly appreciate it, and Joanne would likely sue us, and still refuse to believe that Maureen had been raped. I wanted to ask Joanne about Maureen's weight loss, and was debating whether or not to bring it up, when I heard the same awful sound of Maureen throwing up from the bathroom. Joanne must have heard it too, because I saw her roll her eyes.

"Joanne, how long has this been going on for?"

"What?" I glared at her.

"Oh that. I assumed that you already knew about it. She's been doing that for as long as I have lived with her, I assumed that she had been doing it for longer. I wanted to ask you about it, but I guess I never got around to it."

"I didn't ever…Roger, she wasn't doing this when she used to live here, was she?"

"Well…I uh…" he looked down at his shoes, "I thought I heard her a couple of times, but whenever I confronted her about it, she just said something about a hangover or being sick. I couldn't accuse her of lying…" I thought back to her mention of bad hangovers, wondering whether that had been an act or not. I guess in part it must have been…Joanne excused herself from the loft, saying that she was changing jobs, and likely moving to another city. And awkward silence ensued, none of us knowing whether we would stay in touch, whether we even wanted to. She said goodbye and walked out, looking very composed and professional.

"Roger, how could we not have noticed?"

"Well…I mean…there were other things to worry about…and then there was April…"

"You're right…and after April I guess I didn't pay much attention. I don't remember any of the 'bad hangovers' before that…"

"I don't remember her eating much either."

"Yeah…good point. With the lack of money, it wouldn't have been…" she walked out of the bathroom shakily and resumed her perch on the aluminum table. "Maureen, we think you should go to the hospital…you know, get yourself checked out."

"Mark, I hate hospitals."

"I know. We all do. But what if…"

"No, Mark, I won't go! I'm fine." Mimi had reappeared in the doorway of the loft.

"Maureen, honey, you are not fine. We're just worried about you."

"Mark told you what happened didn't he?" She glared at me angrily, and Mimi nodded. Roger stepped in.

"Maureen, what if he got you sick? Like me? Like Mimi? Wouldn't you at least want to know?" I couldn't bear to think about it, to admit to myself that was my most prominent concern. The anger melted from her face and she began to cry. I stepped forward and held her.

"Marky, I'm so scared…" She held me as though her life depended on it.

"I know…shh, I know. It's okay. Now let's just go over there so we can make sure you're okay." She nodded and stood up, equally as shaky as before, needing to hold onto the table to steady herself, and I remembered my concern about her eating habits. "Maureen, when is the last time that you ate?" She looked panicked.

"Mark…I can't…"

"It's okay. Just forget I said anything. Let's go." The four of us headed slowly to the hospital, and I spotted one of the many posters for Maureen's protest, and looked at Roger, who was supporting the other side of her body, and apparently thinking the same thing that I was. Mimi, who was under Roger's left arm, spoke the question that Roger and I were avoiding verbalizing.

"So, Mo, are you still going to do your protest tonight?" Maureen sighed heavily.

"Well, if I can. It would sort of help if I were able to walk on my own, you know? I don't know. I can't just…not do it, either…but I feel like I don't really have a choice right now." We all looked down at the ground as an awkward silence filled the air. As we neared the hospital, we narrowly avoided walking into a rather large black man in a black leather jacket.

"Collins!" Mimi jumped up onto him, hugging him.

"Hi guys. Just got back in town, and had to get my AZT. What are you guys doing here?" We all looked at each other awkwardly. "What did I miss? What happened?" He saw Maureen, seeming to notice her frail, pale form being held up by Roger and I, and additionally Joanne's absence. Maureen freed herself from us and collapsed onto Collins, and he embraced her warmly, looking at us with concern evident in his eyes. I mouthed to him that she had gotten raped, and he held her a little more tightly. When the two finally separated, the five of us went into the last place that any of us ever wanted to enter again.

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**Author's note:**Yay! Thanks for the comments! Keep 'em coming. I was a little unsure about this chapter and the way I wrote the little flashback/backstory thing, so please critique.


	4. Yuppie Scum

**Author's note: **The feedback that I have gotten on this has been phenomenal. Keep the reviews coming, and I'll keep updating. Sorry this is so short...

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After about fifteen minutes and countless escape attempts by Maureen (whom Roger had to constantly pick up and carry back over to us) later, we finally made it to the front desk in the hospital. Roger had finally realized that if he just continued carrying Maureen that she couldn't run away. He's really perceptive. Anyway, when we got to the desk, a very bored looking woman glared at us as though we were unworthy of taking up her time. I resented that. Maureen thought that it was proof that we shouldn't have dragged her there in the first place. Needless to say, the rest of us weren't going to let her off that easily. Eventually, a young doctor and extraordinarily ordinary looking doctor led us to a curtained off area, a sort of makeshift room, if you will. We explained to the doctor, as we had to the rude secretary at the desk, that she had been raped. The doctor's behavior wasn't much better, and he wouldn't stop ogling her. He looked like he was in need of getting laid, which I felt as though I could diagnose, given that I seemed to be an expert in the area of sex deprivation lately…ever since Maureen had dumped me.

The doctor made the rest of us leave the area so that he could examine Maureen, and his demeanor made me feel very uneasy, almost regretting having made her come here, praying that this yuppie scum wouldn't do anything obscene to Maureen. She couldn't handle anything else going wrong for her, and this sex-starved crazed doctor looked like he was willing to do just about anything…okay well, I suppose that it's possible that I have an active imagination and worry entirely too much.

The next thing I knew, before I even had time to process what was going on, a very distraught and sobbing Maureen flew past me and hid in an alcove. Then my attention became absorbed in Roger essentially kicking the sleazy doctor's ass, with a bunch of commotion, people running every which way trying to figure out what was going on, Collins trying to pry Roger off of the doctor half-heartedly since he was equally as outraged as Roger had been. Mimi was pleading with Roger to let go of the doctor, not wanting him to get arrested, telling him that the doctor was not worth the effort. In the midst of all the madness, I went to find Maureen, who was no longer in the little alcove that I had seen her scurry off to before. I searched in every room in the corridor that I was in, thinking that she couldn't have gone very far since not much time had elapsed, and given her weakened condition, she couldn't move very quickly on her own. As I was coming to the end of the corridor and wondering where I should go next, I stopped dead in my tracks. _Benny._ What the fuck could he possibly be doing here? As I pondered his potential reasons for being at the hospital, and was trying to think of what to say to him when he inevitably saw me, as I had decided that was the direction that I wanted to head in, I became aware of very faint yet familiar crying emanating from the supply closet off to my left. I backtracked a little bit to where the door was, and very gently pushed it open, revealing Maureen, hiding amongst various shelves of scrubs, curled up tightly in a ball, her body shaking. I approached her softly, not wanting to scare her. I gently knelt down beside her, and whispered to her.

"Maureen…shh…Maureen, it's okay. It's just me, Mark. Hey…it's okay. You're going to be okay." She had raised her eyes to me when I had first uttered her name, her eyes full of pain and fear of a degree more intense than any I had never before witnessed in my life, and it scared me. I had gently wrapped my arms around her, holding her lightly, lovingly, not wanting her to be frightened by me or to feel uncomfortable. She slowly adjusted to my embrace…snuggling in towards me more closely, wrapping her arms tightly around me as though I were somehow her life preserver, the only thing to keep her from drowning in a sea of shame, an ocean of despair. I pulled her a little closer, tightening my grip on her as she clutched me desperately, and a felt a few warm tears trickle down my cheeks, sliding into her hair, which I had buried my face in. "I won't let go until you want me to. I'm here, Maureen, I will never leave you or hurt you…I love you…" Her body continued to convulse more violently, and she spoke very softly, her voice cracking and filled with emotion,

"Mark…I don't deserve you. I hurt you so badly…I did a terrible thing…I'm sorry…how can you love me? I deserved…"

"Shh…sweetie. You did not deserve this. Nobody deserves to be raped."

"No, Mark…you don't understand…"

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**End note:** Bum bum bum...suspense! But what happens next? Review this chapter and tune in next time... :) 


	5. In The Eyes Of A Young Girl

"Maureen, honey…what aren't you telling me?" Now I was really concerned, although there was a part of my brain that screamed "You idiot! You were right!" I tried desperately to shut it off.

"Oh…Mark…I…I…I can't tell you. I…I…want to…but…"

"Shh…honey…I can't help you if you don't tell me…here…it's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay."

"No Mark…it's not okay." She seemed to be gaining some composure now, and I could see anger building up on her face. Even despite her physical weakness, this rage took on a life of its own. Now I was confused, and immensely curious as to what she had to say. She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, she was sending a death glare at the pile of scrubs behind my head. "Okay. Joanne was really pissed at me. I hadn't done anything wrong and…" she paused, dropping her eyes to the floor to her left side, watching her index finger trace the tiles beside her foot, "and…I…she couldn't trust me. I thought that I had been doing really well…I hadn't flirted much…hadn't gotten really buzzed in over a month. But we just…wake up one morning, and she completely loses it, and I don't even know why. She…really hurt me with the things that she said. So…later in the day…I wanted to apologize, you know? But I was still mad because…some of the…things…she said…oh Mark, I can't…" Her voice cracked, and her pain was strikingly evident as tears coursed down her cheeks. She buried her face in her hands.

"It's okay sweetie. You're doing great. Shh…it's okay." I rubbed her back as she continued crying.

"Jesus, Mark. Stop saying that!" She sniffled a bit, and then continued her account. "I was going to her office, and…there…was this…guy. Steve. He kept flirting with me…catcalling and 'accidentally' bumping into me…and I…just…I flirted too…I…wanted…to…feel loved…or…at least…appreciated. I…went to see Joanne…but…she…wouldn't…let…me…come in…and…she…she just…kept…yelling…and I…oh God. She…told me…we were…through…and I was weak…and…he…pushed me into…his office…and I…I…I…didn't…do…anything…to…to…I…I let him…he…we…I never said…no…but I didn't…want…to do it. He was…rough…he…hurt…me…but…I…took it. Maybe…maybe I was worthless…she…came…in…and…I…and she left…and…she looked…pissed…and I…started…crying…he yelled…at me…pulled…a…knife…because…I was loud...becauseJoanne...she heard...now she knew…I was crying...so loudly...he...thought...he was gonna get...arrested...but...it didn't matter because...she didn't even believe me, her own girlfriend...I tried…to run…I fell…down the…stairs…" She lifted her eyes cautiously, and I almost laughed in relief.

"Maureen, sweetie, that doesn't make it your fault!"

"Yes it is, Mark! I kissed him, Mark! I was mad, and I wanted to get back at her and I kissed him!"

"He still raped you, Maureen." Her voice suddenly grew very soft again, and shaky.

"I let him do it to me." I looked her in the eye, and made her hold my gaze before I would continue.

"You were weak and he took advantage of you. That isn't right. It isn't your fault."

"Sure, you say that now." She muttered under her breath. I pretended that I hadn't heard her, knowing that pushing the matter would only make her mad at me, which was the last thing that I wanted to have to deal with, so instead I held her as she vented to me her feelings of inadequacy, and she looked so vulnerable, so broken…my heart broke with every word and sob that radiated from her body, holding her ever tighter, hoping she could feel the love that I had for her…

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**Author's note: **Sorry if this really sucks...PLEASE critique it though. I hope that even if you don't like it, you will keep reading :) I realized after I wrote the cliffhanger that I couldn't think of anything really awful to happen to her... 


	6. Please Don't Touch Me

**Author's note:** The reviews for the last chapter were absolutely fabulous-- you guys are great! I hope you like this chapter too...remember, I love the feedback so keep it coming! Sorry this story is kind of slow getting started. I'll try to spice things up next chapter. Anyway, enjoy and critique!

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After a long while, Maureen completely exhausted herself, falling asleep in my arms. I was unsure of exactly how to proceed, now having a clearer understanding of what had happened and how she felt. I had never imagined that in a situation such as this Maureen would be one to blame herself. She had always seemed like the type of person to blame things on something or someone else. For instance, when she broke up with me, her excuse had been along the line of "Oops, I'm a lesbian," conveniently making it neither my fault nor her own. Given that in this circumstance I truly believed that it wasn't her fault, I thought that she would have been glad to hide behind the fact that someone had raped her. Well, maybe glad isn't the right word, but it was so unlike her to blame herself, to seem vulnerable and show to the world that she felt inadequate. Usually she was just the queen of the world, and anything that she wanted she could have. I don't mean that to sound harsh, because I do love her more than anyone else who had ever lived. She is an amazing woman, and though she has her faults, she has a magnetic quality about her, which made it impossible to take your eyes off of her. Additionally, she is intriguing simply because she doesn't share her emotions freely. When I had been dating her, the Maureen that I had seen in private had been more sensitive on occasion, but had never fallen apart as long as I had known her…at least not in front of me. And I always thought that I was closer to her than anyone else. Besides, being the observant cameraman that I am, I always expect myself to see things that others don't, and usually I can…so the fact that I hadn't noticed anything was wrong with Maureen was disturbing. The fact that Roger had even thought that she had an eating disorder and I hadn't really hurt me; I was furious at myself for believing her lies. The truth was, she had the ability to charm me out of my own mind, so that when I was around her, I couldn't think or articulate anything—usually. I had gotten slightly better about this, I liked to think, but this was completely different. My concern had given me the courage to take care of her. I felt as though somehow it were my responsibility to take care of her, though I knew Roger would have told me that I didn't owe her anything. I didn't really owe her anything; she _had_ been the one who had broken my heart, who was always out flirting with who knows whom.

I carried her gently out into the waiting area where the others were now seated, the fighting had ceased and I was grateful that nobody got arrested or anything. They spotted me with the sleeping, innocent-looking drama queen in my arms, and I told them that she was beyond traumatized and I thought it would be best if we just took her home. She clearly wouldn't want to press charges, either, at least not in this state of mind, because she still believed that it was her own fault. That and Joanne and her parents were the only lawyers that we knew and they would probably not be willing to help Maureen out considering recent events. Collins said that he had to be getting to NYU, where he had a class to teach shortly. So Roger, Mimi and I walked back to the loft. I was having a little difficulty carrying Maureen because of my resounding lack of muscle, so when we were about halfway to the loft, Roger took her. It had surprised me immensely that she could have been sleeping through being carried, but then again, she had always been a ridiculously heavy sleeper—water guns and ice cubes had often been employed as means of waking her up. The more I observed her odd behavior, the more I discovered how much I had truly missed being around her—the normal version of her, anyway, although even this altered state made me happy in some sick, twisted way. I loved her, and I loved taking care of her. It was a privilege that I had only once had before when she got the flu a couple of years ago. Seeing her in such pain really hurt me, but I was glad to be able to comfort and reassure her.

When we got back to the loft, Roger handed Maureen back over to me, saying that he and Mimi were going to go out, though he didn't specify where—not that he ever made it a habit of saying. Often times they would disappear for ten to twelve hours without saying where they had been, come home and crash. It sort of concerned me, but I knew that they wouldn't be shooting up—neither of them would ever touch a needle again. They were so much in love that drugs were—fortunately—not needed to make things seem better. I lay Maureen down gently on my bed, tucking her in. I stroked her hair, and leaned in to kiss her forehead gently as I had the previous day. As I was about to leave her, she grasped my hand, which was still resting in her hair. Without even opening her eyes, she asked me in a weak and cracking voice to stay with her, so I slid into the bed beside her and propped myself up on my elbow, watching her sleep—careful not to move too close to her—if she wanted more physical closeness, she could initiate it, and she did. She snuggled into my chest. I had thought that she had fallen asleep until I felt a warm, wet spot growing on my shirt. I wrapped my arms around her gently, tracing circles on her tight, knotted back. She began to relax a little.

Once I was positive that Maureen had fallen asleep, I slid out of the bed. I went in to the kitchen to see what there was to eat, so that I could get her to eat something. I found a package of saltines. I didn't know how old they were. What's the worst that could possibly happen to crackers? I opened the package and sniffed them. They seemed okay, perhaps a little bit stale, but not too bad compared to the usual state of food in the loft. I heard a small thud, and turned to find her on the floor, looking embarrassed.

"Oh, honey. I thought you were still asleep. What're you doing?" I helped her to get up and hugged her gently.

"I woke up…and you weren't there…" I could tell that she had been panicked as she clung tightly to me.

"I'm sorry Maureen. I didn't think you'd wake up. I would never leave you."

"I guess I'm just…a little paranoid. He just…Steve, I mean…he said that…"

"Honey, did he threaten you?" Her body shook in response, and I got the impression that she was crying again, taking this as a yes. "Maureen…you should call the cops on this guy."

"I…can't…"

"Shh…it's okay. You're scared. I get it. You're going to be okay. But if you don't call them, you could be in danger. I don't want anything to happen to you—and I won't let anything happen to you, but you know that if he were to be arrested, you would be safe. It's the best way that I know how to help you."

"I don't want to talk to the cops…besides, I don't even think he was serious…"

"Then why are you shaking?"

"Mark…please…"

"Shh…okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll only call them when and if you are ready to." I sat her down by the counter in the kitchen and put a few crackers on a plate, and filled a glass with water, setting them before her. "Reena, can you please try to eat something?" I was pleading, and I could feel tears building up behind my eyes, burning, threatening to spill over. She looked completely panicked at what I was asking of her. She picked up a cracker, eyeing it carefully. She began nibbling on it, forcing herself to eat it, though I could tell that the action physically repulsed her. She finished half of the cracker before throwing the second half down on the plate, pushing herself back from the table. I stood blocking her from leaving the room. She looked as though she was about to puke—I could see her stomach begin to heave and tears fill her eyes, so I stepped out of the way, but followed close behind her. She slammed the door closed behind her, in my face. Dejected and defeated, I slid to the floor as I heard her throwing up, unable to do anything to help her. After a couple of minutes, I stood up, pushing the door open. Her stomach seemed by now completely empty, but she couldn't stop her body from continuing to expel the nonexistent contents of her stomach. She looked completely terrified. I rubbed her shoulder, trying to relax her body. I caught her as one of her arms slipped from the toilet, and held her until the spasms ceased.

"Mark…I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't want to be like this, but I can't stop…I'm sorry."

"It's okay, honey. We'll find someone who can help you. We'll get through this. I promise." I got her a toothbrush, and she brushed her teeth thoroughly, roughly, which caused her gums to bleed. "Reena…hey, careful." She spat, cursing herself. "Maureen, I promise you are going to be okay. Don't hate yourself." She rinsed her mouth out and I took her into my bedroom. We sat on my bed, and I took her hands in mine. "Maureen, I really want to help you…but you're scaring me. I don't know how to help you deal with all of this, but I really want to. I love you so much more than anyone else in the world. I would do absolutely anything for you, but please…you have to help me."

"I'm trying…so hard. I just don't know what to do. I don't deserve your caring. I don't know why you waste your time."

"Maureen…I love you."

"I…I…I love you, too. Marky…I'm so sorry…I'm not good enough for you. That's why I can't be with you…I can't hurt you again…" I couldn't believe what she was saying. I leaned in towards her cautiously, searching her eyes as I gently kissed her full lips. Our lips met for a brief instant before she pulled away and hugged her knees in towards her chest, rocking. "Reena…I'm sorry…I shouldn't have…hey, don't cry. Shh…sweetie…I'm sorry." I reached out to touch her, but hesitated, not wanting to make anything worse. Collins loudly announced his presence just then, and I touched her shoulder lightly, barely making contact, apologizing awkwardly with my eyes for the mistake that I had made. It figures that one of the only times in my life that I can find the courage to speak my mind would be when she was weak and vulnerable. I couldn't bear the thought that I might have been taking advantage of her the same way that Steve had, couldn't stand knowing that the sobs that were now consuming her body had been caused by me. I couldn't stand to see her cry.

"Hey Mark!" Collins' booming voice greeted me as I emerged from my bedroom. "Where is everyone?"

"Oh…Roger and Mimi are out somewhere. Maureen's in my bedroom right now."

"What's wrong? You look a little freaked out. She ok?"

"I am still really worried about her. I don't know what I can do for her. She said Steve threatened her, but she doesn't want to call the cops and…she can't eat anything and keep it down…and I kissed her and she's crying and I don't know what to do. I can't believe that I caused this and I hate to see her cry like this."

"Wait, Mark, you did what?" He raised his eyebrow, looking simultaneously amused and appalled.

"I…she said she loved me and…I don't know what happened…can you just go talk her? I'm sure she'll be happy to see you." He agreed, looking at me skeptically as he disappeared into the room.


	7. You Toss And You Turn

**Author's note:** Sorry the update took so long. I was completely dead after HSPA's. I tried to update, but I would get writer's block and promptly fall asleep. But you don't really care about that, so...thanks for all of the amazing feedback on the story! Please keep it up! I'm really curious what you think about this chapter, but it's a little bland. Next chapter will be more exciting, I promise! **Please R&R!**

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When Collins finally emerged from my room about an hour later, I was sitting on the couch, fighting sleep and losing every battle miserably. My eyelids refused to cooperate with the fear, curiosity and concern that plagued my eyes, thus I was in a fitful state of half-sleep, plagued by nightmares that would cause me to awaken spastically every now and again, at which point I would fight my eyelids, but succumb to irresistible yet torturous sleep. I felt him flop down beside me, which brought me back to the land of the living.

"How is she?" He shook his head in response, then took in a deep breath, trying to find words to express his thoughts.

"I think she's been hurt more deeply than even you or I can comprehend. Mimi might understand, however." I looked at him blankly, not comprehending what he was saying, so he clarified his intention. "Joanne left. She was hurt and afraid, and potentially even afraid of the intensity of emotion that she and Maureen had for one another, and she left. She didn't trust Maureen. In my opinion, it is no different from when Roger went to Santa Fe, except that Maureen also has the added trauma of being raped." Talking to Maureen before I had kissed her, I had thought that she really did feel something beyond our platonic friendship. I was still having difficulty believing that Maureen had truly loved Joanne, telling myself naively that it was just a phase like girls and horses, that she would outgrow it. I knew that by having told her such things, and continually professing my love for her, I had hurt her, no matter how hard she tried to mask her pain. Maybe I really had been naïve to believe that she had still felt something for me. I had always envisioned that she had told me to remember that she had treated me like dirt because she had been close to breaking and coming back, and if I continued she wouldn't be able to hold out any longer. But that was ridiculous. I had never for even a moment considered that she was truly over me. She just confessed her love for me—didn't that mean anything? Or was I just reading too much into it? I remembered her words from another time, a time when I had been convinced that she would take me back, and they haunted me. We had kissed… "_I'd call this platonic…"_ I was so desperate, so convinced that she would come back. I guess I had forgotten to consider the event that what she had with Joanne had been real…

"She really loves Joanne, doesn't she?" Collins examined my facial expression carefully, not seeming to have realized or even acknowledged in his own mind what I had been thinking all along.

"Mark, I know that I said it was cute that you were still in love with her, but you still need to get over this! Boy, you've gotta get laid."

"I thought…"

"Yeah, I know. You thought that it was just a phase. So did my girlfriend when I told her that I was gay."

"You had a girlfriend?" I hadn't meant to look and sound as surprised as I felt, but I had never been that great at controlling my emotions and the ways in which I expressed them.

"Well, I had more than one. Not at the same time, Mark! But I had some pretty serious relationships with girls. Even though they loved me, and the last woman I dated loved me more than life itself, something was missing. I loved her too, don't get me wrong, and she was a huge part of my life, like a sister to me, but I couldn't be with her. Mark, people are not born knowing their sexual orientations. But questioning the seriousness of Maureen's decision is not healthy or helpful for either of you." The truth was, I had never really been with anyone other than Maureen. Collins had probably had more girlfriends than I had.

"I don't want to get over her, Collins. I love her. I don't think that will ever change."

"As much as I was a cheerleader for your relationship with her, I also love Joanne. And if Maureen loves her, we should all be supporting them." I knew that it was pointless to argue with Collins, and he was probably right, but I couldn't help but feel as though I were sinking. "You should urge her to give Joanne a call. They need to talk."

"What if Joanne doesn't want her?" He eyed me wearily.

"Then we have to help her recover from the relationship. But she certainly doesn't need you to keep confusing her."

"Collins, what exactly did she say to you?"

"That's none of your business, Mark. Now, if could continue being her friend and caring for her the way that you have been, she'll be okay. Just don't go kissing on her all the time, and listen to her. Don't push her if she doesn't want to talk. I've got to go to class now."

"It's ten o'clock!"

"I know. Tell that to the administration. In the meantime, I have to go." He put on his coat and shoes and gave me a brief hug before stepping out. His eyes were sympathetic as he warned me not to do anything stupid, and I couldn't stop tears of hopeless desolation, desperation and devotionfrom spilling over as I closed the door behind him.


	8. Friendship Is Thicker Than Blood

**Author's note:** You guys have been really great about reviewing! I hope that you like this chapter...it's very dramatic, but...whatever. PLEASE leave feedback. I wanna know what you think of the progression so far :) Keep up your awesome job of reviewing and I'll keep on updating. Enjoy!

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"Marky?" He voice was so soft and hesitant that I could have mistaken her for a small child. I hadn't noticed her coming out of the bedroom, being that I had been crying with my forehead on the cold metal loft door. I turned my head to look at her.

"Yeah, Maureen?" She looked very much like a small child who had just had a nightmare as she shuffled over to me. "Honey, what's wrong?" I hugged her tightly, which caused her first to stiffen, but then she seemed to calm down. "I'm here, sweetie." She relaxed then and separated from me, seeming to have snapped out of her trance.

"Mark, were you crying?" I sighed and leaned back against the loft door. "Why were you crying?" I didn't know whether or not I should tell her that I had been mourning the realization that I could never be with her, so I inserted some of my other pain, feelings that were equally as genuine.

"It's nothing. It's just been a long week. It really hurts me to see you like this, you know? I wish that there was more that I could do for you, but I don't know what." She looked profoundly touched.

"Mark, I couldn't ask for anything more from you. You have been so perfect these past couple of days. I don't know how you do it." An awkward silence ensued as we both contemplated how to deal with what had come to pass earlier. I spoke first.

"About before…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I…" She suddenly grew very uncomfortable.

"It's okay." I could tell that her words were forced. She'd been jumpy and more unpredictable than usual lately, which was understandable, but she had been remarkable less prone to blowing up, and being around her didn't have the usual air of volatility, but rather made you fear that the wrong words would break her.

"No it's not. I took advantage of you and I'm sorry."

"I know. I should tell you…my heart is broken. I don't think I can let you in it. I should tell…I'm afraid…to be in love and be loved." I was stunned by the words that had come out of her mouth. Did that mean that she thought that at some point she would let me in? I shouldn't hope for that. I can't stand any more heartbreak. I couldn't exactly ask her that, though. I didn't want to hurt her any more than I had to.

"Do you still love Joanne?" Her eyes clouded over at the mention of _her_ name. "I'm sorry…you don't have to answer that…" He eyes glistened with tears as she nodded, and spoke weakly, her throat closing up from the pain.

"Yes…I do. I really do." I reached out to her gently, taking her in my arms.

"Maybe you should call her, honey." For some reason, this made her cry harder.

"What if she doesn't want me?" I didn't know what to say to this, and was astonished because this had been the very question that I had asked Collins earlier…

"We'll deal with that if it happens, okay? I'll be here for you no matter what happens. You know that, right?" She nodded, and I took her over to the phone. She started dialing the number hesitantly, and her hand shook as she heard it ring on the other end. When Joanne picked up, Maureen tried to hang up the phone, but I prevented her from doing so by grabbing the phone and handing it back to her.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" The phone had rung for a long time before she picked up, so I got the impression that she hadn't caught the caller id.

"Joanne?" Maureen croaked, forcing her voice to come out.

"Maureen? What do you want?" The phone was loud enough and I was close enough that I could hear Joanne's voice on the other end. Maureen wouldn't let me go any farther away than that, and was clutching my hand desperately in one hand with the phone clutched in the other.

"Joanne…I…I…" Maureen sounded so pathetic. I had never seen her like this before.

"You what?" Joanne roared from the other end. "I don't have all day." Joanne's impatience was really getting to me, even though I got the impression that her coldness and distance was due to her suppression of emotion, but it was causing Maureen to become more flustered by the minute.

"I love you, damnit!" I had no idea where this ferocity was coming from, and it sort of scared me. Joanne seemed to be speechless, so Maureen continued, angry and hysterical. "Joanne I love you and you have to know that I would never cheat on you! I have never loved anyone so much in my life and I need you so much! I would never have cheated on you, ever. He was stronger than me and I couldn't stop it but I kissed him and that was wrong, Joanne but I tried to make him stop, Joanne…I'm sorry, please Joanne come back I love you so much. I don't know what to do without you and I can't function…please, Pookie…I'm sorry." Joanne sighed, and responded in a somewhat patronizing tone. I held Maureen's hand a little more tightly, to let her know that I was on her side.

"Maureen," she started, as though she were reprimanding a bad child, "sometimes sorry is not enough."

"Joanne…please…I'll do anything…what do you want me to do?"

"I don't know if there is anything that you can do." Maureen's body slumped over on itself as she became completely lost in sobs and unable to speak. Joanne sounded confused and apologetic, attempting to quiet Maureen. Maureen hung up the phone, and buried her face in my chest.

"Maybe she just needs some time…or maybe you should go see her. The phone makes things so much less personal…oh, hey…shh, it'll be all right." She looked skeptical, and I didn't know what I could do to alleviate her pain. It hurt me knowing that I couldn't make everything okay, that she didn't want me and I couldn't make Joanne want her…or could I? I started to scheme as I held her, wanting nothing more than to make her happy, no matter the cost…


	9. Goodbye, Love

**AN:** Sorry, I'm in a hurry to post, but I wanted to get this up. Thanks for the comments, please critique this chapter it might be a little weird...I hope it's okay...gotta go!

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Later that night, after Maureen had gone to sleep in my bed, I lay awake on the broken down, duct-taped couch, thinking about Maureen and Joanne's relationship, and all of their little lover's spats. For Maureen's sake, I had hoped that this would blow over as quickly as they usually did (aside from the selfish part of me that still thought she would come running back to me, but that was irrational). As much as I didn't want to acknowledge it, I knew that they belonged together. They were so perfect together, balancing each other out perfectly. Granted, their fights could get a little annoying for the rest of us, and I could only imagine the hell that the two of them had been through, struggling to trust one another, but always pushing each other away, which I perceived to be because they cared so deeply for one another that they couldn't comprehend the emotion and it was causing them to panic. Actually, I hadn't really noticed this before, but in my state of insomnia, I pulled out a reel that I had cut together of clips of Maureen and Joanne. It was the almost invisible glances they stole at one another when they knew that the other wasn't looking that showed me that they truly loved one another, and the tiny stolen moments when they thought no one else was looking. I couldn't believe that I had been so blind as to miss the true love that emanated from both of them. As much as I didn't want to face the truth, they seemed to fit together much more than I ever had with Maureen. Joanne's suspicions were a completely different story, however, and I had always resented the lack of trust with which she treated Maureen, almost as much as I resented Maureen's flirting with others. I had never realized before how much time I had invested into observing their relationship without every really analyzing it objectively for what it was. As I watched the reel, I got an idea. I got to work immediately, screening and editing filmstrips in the dead of the night.

At around one, Collins ambled in the door and didn't seem to notice my presence as he tiredly, and drunkenly collapsed into his bedroom. I had been working for roughly two hours, but I had yet to bring my project to a polished format, but I was determined to do so as soon as possible.

I heard a thud outside the door and keys scraping in the lock a few hours later, which snapped me out of my state of half-sleep. My glasses were crooked, so I adjusted them and glanced at my watch. Three-thirty. A few more bangs and Mimi and Roger, who were, it seemed, trying to eat each other, stumbled into the loft, looking surprised to see me sitting there, and slightly concerned. I had always had strange was of escaping emotion, and the stress from Maureen's condition on me had clearly been great. I waved them away and they continued to eat each other. Needless to say, I didn't have any more problems with falling asleep on my work that night, if you know what I mean. We really need thicker walls.

At around six, Maureen stumbled to the bathroom, and I heard that awful sound again, wondering honestly how she could vomit when there was nothing left in her body. I shut off my equipment, not wanting her to see my project, but more importantly wanting to listen in on her in the bathroom, in case she fell again or something. I couldn't let her get hurt. I suppose that I saw her sort of as the little sister that I never had. Was it wrong that I could see her that way but also love when she fucked my brains out? Want to marry her, even? Wow, Cohen, you've got a sick mind. I quickly escaped from my own mind as I heard her turn the shower on as she began to sob. If she wanted to be alone, I could respect that. I only hoped that she wouldn't do anything stupid if I left her alone. I turned on my equipment again, working hastily, continually looking over my shoulder to make sure she hadn't come out so that she wouldn't see what I was doing.

When about twenty minutes had passed and she still hadn't emerged from the bathroom, I got worried. I didn't know whether I believed that she would try to pull an April or not, but it felt all too familiar. It was like déjà vu, and I cursed myself for not having followed my instincts and checked on her. I was relieved when I found that she had just passed out in the bathtub. Well, maybe not relieved, considering that she could have drowned if her position had changed, but glad that she was alive, as implied before, she had not drowned. I spread a towel on the floor, lifted her soaked, naked form from the tub and laid her down upon it. Then I drained the tub and dried her off with another towel. I discovered that she wasn't breathing, and thought back to what Roger had done, in vain, to bring April back. Maureen had a pulse, so I knew that she wasn't dead, but I bent down and breathed into her. I had to rewind my brain again to the day when we had found April…oh, right. I gave a few abdominal thrusts, which caused her to start coughing—no, choking, eventually producing a couple of pills from her throat. She promptly vomited, revealing several partially digested, and some completely intact pill casings. It was then that I realized the bottles in the sink. I also saw a note scrawled on a receipt in eyeliner that said, "I'm so sorry, Roger. And the rest of you, too. Please tell her goodbye for me." I was such an idiot—why hadn't I looked before? I hoped that she had puked up everything that she had ingested, but she appeared to be losing consciousness. I frantically ran to Collins' room, waking him up. There was no way that I could get her to the hospital by myself, and there was additionally no way that we could afford an ambulance. He groggily awoke, pissed and with as much of hangover as I had ever seen him with, which was not much of one, since he had a very high tolerance for alcohol, but when he saw my panic, he was immediately awake. By this time, Maureen had lost all consciousness, although she vomited all the same, and I didn't know what to do. Collins turned her onto her side calmly, telling me that it was so that she wouldn't choke. He handled stress fairly well, although most people did compared to me. Then I realized that she was still naked. I struggled to get her into her pants while Collins slid her shirt over her with ease. Why the hell is he so good at everything? He lifted her off of the floor, we quickly put our shoes and coats on (of course, giving Maureen a coat as well), left a note for Mimi and Roger and started out for the hospital. The wind whipped viciously in the black night, sending the heavily falling snow in strong, biting currents, and I was afraid that my tears would freeze in long lines down my face (which it honestly felt like they were), although more afraid that Maureen would catch hypothermia or something.

"Are you sure she's warm enough? Her lips are turning blue!" Collins glared at me, but his features softened when he saw my fear. It was then that I noticed how blatantly terrified he was, and it seemed as though he truly hadn't realized the gravity of the situation. We sacrificed our coats for her, walking in silence as quickly as we could for the remaining several blocks…


	10. She Needs More Than Heat

By the time we reached the hospital about ten minutes later, her skin had taken on a bluish hue. Frantically we tried to find someone, anyone to help us. It was fortunate that it was warm inside the hospital, as that prevented her body temperature from dropping any further. I held her, trying to warm her, as Collins ran to the desk, trying to get a doctor. It took about an additional ten minutes before someone arrived, which wasn't bad at all, considering how long we had waited in other instances. Which reminded me of another reason we had chosen to bring Maureen here ourselves-- the last time we had called for an ambulance, we had been on hold long enough for her to die and come back to life. Maureen would have been dead before anyone got to us, and I was certain we wouldn't have been that lucky again, considering that April's suicide had been successful.

When the doctors came, it was like a storm had hit. They took her out of my arms, putting her on a gurney, asking me all sorts of questions, some of which I couldn't answer, which caused me to curse myself for not seeing what type of pills she had taken, and additionally for not knowing what kinds of pills we had in the loft. There was a lot of medical babble going on between the doctors and nurses as we rushed along to an ER, Collins and I in tow, completely confused. One of the nurses told us that we couldn't go in with her, and actually stepped aside to tell us what was going on, which was a kindness that I had never experienced in a hospital. Usually nobody told me anything. I could tell Collins was taken aback by this as well, but clearly as grateful as I was, also.

"Her pupils are barely responsive and her pulse is faint. She has a pretty intense case of hypothermia, although they seem to be getting that under control, however there could be complications because of how underweight she is. They think that she must have taken sleeping pills or some other type of depressant drug, because of how developed her hypothermia is. Her temperature was 84 degrees when we first saw her, which is probably elevated already since you brought her in, but she'll need to get up to at lease 90 degrees or so to be fully out of the danger zone. They have to run a few tests, and probably pump her stomach to get any other pills out of her."

"Will she be okay?"

"We'll see." As I raised my eyes from my shoes to the nurse's face, my eyes caught on a glint of plastic from what I discovered to be an ID card. _Angel_. I couldn't make out the last name because of the glare, but I looked up to the sky and mouthed "thank you".

I was becoming more and more nervous with each passing second, unable to keep myself still, tears sporadically streaming down my face tempered by moments of calm. I didn't know what was going on with my emotions, but certainly had never behaved this way before, but I supposed that it was understandable considering that I cared for Maureen so much more than basically anyone else in the world, and had been with her longer than anyone else. I couldn't control myself as I paced nervously up and down a row of chairs in the waiting room with my erratic tears for what seemed like hours, though really it was only twenty minutes, until Collins grabbed my arm, saying that I was making him sea-sick and more worried than he already was. I went to the bathroom and threw up. After that, I felt oddly at ease—numb and detached. I fell asleep in an uncomfortable bucket seat. I felt my head drop onto Collins' shoulder, apparently much to his discomfort as he shrugged it off every time it fell there. One time my head fell to the other side, which caused my entire body to fall from the seat onto the floor. Collins chuckled, but his mind was preoccupied, the laughter partially subconscious, and partially forced.

"Mark Cohen?" I awoke to the sound of my name being called by a petite redhead, who reminded me of April, seeming to be her doppelganger from an alternate universe. A doctor.

"Yeah that's me." I stumbled up from the chair, Collins' head falling from my shoulder, causing him to awaken to a start. Ironic. The grogginess and stiffness from the uncomfortable nap I had taken were immediately replaced by the same nervousness as before.

"I come in peace. Your uh…"

"Friend?" I offered.

"Yeah. She's come out of the danger zone for hypothermia, and we have pumped her stomach. She's still chilled a bit. The condition was one of the worst I've seen around here. We think she has an eating disorder, and with it a tendency to purge by vomiting, which we could tell from the damage of her teeth and esophagus. She is about twenty pounds below what I would consider healthy for her body. Her body can't keep itself warm. Psychological evaluation will give us a little more insight into her mental condition. She should be all right in the sense that she will be alive and functioning as she was before. We'll need to keep her here for observation for at least a day, and we've hooked her up to a warm IV to keep her warmed up and hydrated. Early this evening, we'll insert a feeding tube through her nose into her stomach, and based on our assessment of her tomorrow, we'll see how we should proceed from there." Collins, who had joined me in standing and listening to the doctor, now joined the conversation.

"Is she awake?" The doctor nodded, and led us to the room that she had been put in, and I glanced at my watch. Visiting hours didn't start for another half and hour, and I knew it was unusual for the doctor to allow us in, but I got the feeling that she at least partially understood our relationship to her and the situation that we were in.

She looked so frail and fragile, more so even than before, which I hadn't at the time thought to be possible. Her bed was positioned at the far end of the room, past an empty bed and curtain divider, by the window. The doctor said that they wouldn't put anyone else in here if it could be avoided, but there were no single rooms available. She made it sound like a hotel, for heaven's sake, or a dormitory. Maureen was curled up tightly in the fetal position, and I could tell that she was crying again. Collins lightly pushed me towards her, encouraging me to go see her first, and sat on the unoccupied bed silently. I approached her bed cautiously, standing so that her back was towards me.

"Hey…" I sat down lightly beside her. I wasn't sure what to say, and my voice came out so softly that I wasn't sure that she had heard me until a small, cold hand found its way into my warm one. With a great deal of difficulty, she managed to turn to face me. I hadn't realized before that moment exactly how weak she had become. Her face was slick with tears, and she clung to me desperately, crying, not saying a word. I pushed myself a little farther onto the bed so that the two of us wouldn't fall off, and she curled up on top of me like a small child, pressing her face into my chest and wrapping her arms around me awkwardly. I wrapped my arms loosely around her, lightly rubbing her back and stroking her hair. "Shh…it's okay. You're okay."

"I'm sorry." Her voice was soft and shaky, and cracked when she spokethe two words that just a few months ago I would have least expected to come out of her mouth. I held her more tightly, my heart breaking at the evident pain and guilt that she felt weighing down on her, feeling as overprotective of her as I did, I hated to see her beating herself up.

"For what?"

"Everything." In that moment, in the way that she looked into my eyes, the raw emotion that she showed me, I knew that the Maureen that I had fallen in love with was forever changed; something within her was different. The regret and genuine sincerity that I sensed in this moment, mixed with her pain and shame from having been so selfish shone with an unimaginable beauty. It seemed as though she had hit her rock bottom and she knew, which caused an enormous wave of hopeful relief to wash over my body. Maybe she was (eventually) going to be okay after all…

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**Author's note:**I'm not so sure how I feel about the end of this chapter. Overall it was kind of strange, I think, so I would _really_ appreciate your critiques of this chapter, although I certainly always LOVE feedback...keep it coming, and I'll keep doing the best I can :) 


	11. This Family Tree's Got Deep Roots

**AN: **Feedback was great last chapter-- keep it up! Anything you have to say is greatly appreciated! Praise, criticism, whatever. :) Enjoy.

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Maureen had just about fallen asleep in my arms when Roger burst into the room, his face contorted in pain. She awoke immediately, initially tensing at the loud boom of his rough voice and the pounding sound of his thick-soled rock star shoes, but relaxed considerably when she saw him. I slid out from underneath her on the bed as Collins filled Roger in on what had happened, though I sensed that Roger was just impatient to see and hold Maureen, to make sure that she was okay. Though temperamental and harsh at times, he could be even more overprotective than I was. I wouldn't have expected Roger to be awake this early in the morning. Mimi trailed in behind Roger, looking extremely exhausted but equally as concerned. She sat beside Collins on the bed, and fell into a state of half sleep against his shoulder. I hugged Maureen gently and kissed her on the forehead, telling her that I would be right back just as Roger was coming over, looking beyond me, seeing only Maureen. He sat beside her and held her, soothing her and gently asking questions about what had happened. I overheard him saying that he had been secretly checking in on her early every morning, which I could tell melted her. It wasn't often that Roger allowed himself to be seen like this, vulnerable and emotional, soft and sensitive, but I was glad for it, and I could tell that they needed to be with one another, and whatever conversation stemmed from this would be likely to benefit both of them. I slipped out of the room silently, and found a payphone, dialing deliberately. 

"Hello?"

"Hey Joanne, it's Mark."

"Oh hello Mark. Not to be blunt, but why are you calling so early in the morning?"

"Um…Maureen…had an emergency." There was silence on the other end and I couldn't interpret her reaction. I almost thought that she had hung up until she spoke, finally, as I was about to hang up.

"What happened? Is she okay?" She was using her lawyer voice again, which I took to mean that she was truly concerned about Maureen, and had needed to take a moment to regain her composure. I hoped that, for Maureen's sake, my analysis had been correct.

"She almost died…Joanne, she tried to kill herself." Another pause. This time, when her voice finally came, it was soft, concerned. More like the Joanne that I had grown to…well, love.

"Why did she do it?"

"You would have to ask her, but I think that she did it because of you. She loves you, Joanne." I could hear her crying softly on the other end.

"Mark, I wish I could get over there, but I'm in Chicago…"

"Please, Joanne, if there is any way you can get here, if you ever loved her…she needs you." I heard her sigh on the other end, and she seemed to have gained her composure somehow.

"You know that I will always love her. I will try to get over there as soon as possible. Goodbye." I was still desperate, falling apart, begging her.

"Please, Joanne, hurry. It hurts me to see her like this! She needs you!" I let a sob escape as she hung up, sliding to the floor.

After what seemed like an infinite amount of time, but was really only about ten minutes, I pulled myself together and went back to Maureen. By now, Roger, Mimi (who actually seemed to be alive now) and Collins were all sitting around her and they were having a lighthearted discussion about movies. When she saw me, she smiled widely, brilliantly. I took her hand in mine and squeezed it reassuringly. Mimi mentioned the Wizard of Oz, and Maureen became very distant, looking past Roger and Mimi, out the window. I rubbed her hand gently.

"What's wrong, Reena?" She turned to face me, eyes glistening with tears.

"That…Joanne and I…" She broke down, unable to finish her sentence, so I moved in closer to her, holding her.

"Shh…it's okay…"

"Marky…I miss her."

"I know." I didn't know whether of not to tell her that I had called Joanne because I didn't know how she would react. She cried into my chest gripping me so tightly that I thought I might burst, but I continued to hold her, doing my best to quiet her tears and fears. When she had calmed down, her face was still buried in my chest, and she mumbled something incoherent. "Sweetie, we can't understand you." She pulled her face back, releasing me from her grip, and whispered softly,

"You must think I'm crazy." She was looking at Mimi, who had been scared and confused during Maureen's emotional outburst, holding onto Roger for dear life, not knowing what she had done wrong. Mimi released Roger's hand, which he shook comically, restoring the circulation to his fingers. Mimi slapped him upside the head, playfully, and turned to address Maureen.

"No, sweetie. I already knew that you were crazy. This does not qualify as crazy—it's human. Grief. What does make you crazy, in the best way possible, is your personality. Your protests. I love you because you are crazy. And I love you because you are human. You could never scare me away. Scare me, yes, but I'm not going anywhere." Maureen smiled and hugged Mimi, thanking her. Collins glanced at his watch before interjecting,

"I'm glad you're not going anywhere, because unfortunately, I have class." Maureen pouted, so he added on, "Reeney, I will be back as soon as I can, I promise." He kissed her cheek and embraced her, then quickly left.

"Hey, Maureen, can I borrow Roger for a minute?" She looked at me with panic in her eyes, then controlled it and nodded. I kissed her forehead and promised to return shortly, squeezing her hand again before I left. Roger hugged her roughly, and she clung to him desperately for a moment before releasing him. Once the two of us were outside of the room, we transformed into the concerned messes that we were hiding from Maureen, not wanting her to see how distraught and truly panicked we were about her. Roger spoke first.

"Mark, she has never been this clingy and needy before. I am scared to death to leave her." I nodded in agreement. "I'm also afraid that she's going to break if I touch her. How the hell did this happen?" I shook my head and shrugged, willing words to come out of my mouth, but they didn't. Instead, tears burst from my eyes and we embraced, tears starting to drop from his eyes as well.

"Do you know why she did it?" I was curious as to whether or not he had actually asked her, because I wanted to know her reasoning. The only thing I had to go on was my own speculation, as accurate as I thought it to be.

"I didn't ask her, but I think she's messed up over Joanne still." I nodded, glad at least to know that I wasn't alone in my theory.

"I called Joanne." He blinked at me, trying to process the implications, and I continued, "she seemed pretty upset about it, and I actually got to warm, feeling Joanne for a little while, beyond hard, cold lawyer Joanne. She said she would try to get here as soon as possible, but I really don't know what that means. I hope she gets here soon."

"What if she hurts her? I mean, you saw how she was last time…"

"I don't think that she could do that…I mean…look at her! I don't know about you, but I think that anger, that hate between them last time was a mask. They were both hurting. I don't think Joanne realized what she was doing. Besides, if she does bother to come all the way here from Chicago--"

"She's in Chicago?"

"Yeah. If she bothers to come all the way out here, I don't think it will be to yell at Maureen." He nodded, somewhat skeptically, but still in agreement.

"I hope your right, Mark." I hoped so too. Mimi burst out of Maureen's room in tears at that precise moment.

"Mark! Roger! I don't know what's going on…in there…the machines started beeping and she's unconscious and I called the doctor and he's in there now…oh dios mio!" She ran into Roger's arms, and I stood there, staring at the door, fear building in my heart, bile rising in my throat. I rubbed my shaking arms, trying to find my inner calm or numbness or anything to no avail. The next thing I knew, she was being whisked away on a gurney. Angel was nowhere in sight.

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Bum bum bum...so, what do you think? 


	12. An Angel, Indeed

**AN:** Update! It's kinda short and unexciting, but I hope you like it! Please review/critique! Feedback greatly appreciated.

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Maureen was taken to the OR, and nobody would tell us what was happening, what had happened. As they rushed her along the hallway, I heard them throwing around fancy medical words, and they might as well have been speaking Greek for how well I understood them. They were too busy to even notice me following them, asking what was happening. They soon disappeared into the elevator, and I collapsed on the floor, sobbing and frantic. I heard rich Hispanic voice, felt hands pulling me up off of the floor, and looked up to see the same nurse as before, Angel. She was a well-built woman, not like Mimi and Maureen's small, frail, feminine stature, but strong, big-boned, though without an ounce of fat on her body. She had dark bronze skin, long dark hair that fell in loose curls, and wore metallic blue nail polish that went surprisingly well with her scrubs. I thanked her for helping me.

"What happened? Was it your friend?"

"Yeah…we don't know what happened…she was fine one second, and the next she was unconscious. They won't tell us what's going on…" She nodded sympathetically and told me that she was going to find out what she could and get back to me, telling me to go to the waiting area. I rounded up Roger and Mimi, and we went to sit in the uncomfortable plastic chairs. I couldn't stop fidgeting, so eventually I got up and made my way over to the payphone again, calling Joanne's cell, again.

"Hello?"

"Hey Joanne…her vitals just crashed and they took her into the OR. They haven't told us what's going on yet."

"I'm getting on a flight in about an hour. It was really last minute and the only thing that I could get…I should be at the hospital in about four and half hours. If anything happens, call me. Even if you have to leave a message." I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that Joanne was coming, and that she seemed truly concerned—Maureen really needed her now more than ever, and I truly believed that.

"Hey…Mark? That's your name, right?" I turned around to see Angel standing before me again.

"Is she okay?" She sighed.

"These crazy doctors are so worried about their big money and fancy equipment…they accidentally damaged her larynx and an artery in the process of pumping her stomach. I don't know how it happened—to me, I think it would take a lot of effort to do that, but she should be okay, they stopped the internal bleeding. She may not be able to talk well, at least for a while." My heart sank for Maureen. Singing was her life—what would she do now? She had to be able to talk and scream and shout and sing and protest loudly—that was who she was! Or at least, that was who she used to be…maybe now it won't matter as much? I hope. The last thing she needs is for what she loves to be taken away from her…hopefully Joanne will be there to comfort her… "You okay honey?"

"Yeah. It's just…I don't know how Maureen's gonna feel about this."

"She's the performance artist, right? Dressed up like a groundhog for groundbreaking? I thought that was adorable. I have to say my favorite was the one with the cow." I blushed for some unknown reason.

"Yep, that's her. She sort of…depends on her voice. Or…she used to."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well…recently…she was raped. And her girlfriend thought she cheated…and it was a big mess. She sort of…retreated into her own head after that. Then obviously she tried to kill herself…I wish I could get into her head." Angel rubbed my shoulder.

"Well, honey, she's lucky to have someone who cares about her as much as you do." I sighed and nodded.

"When will she be out?"

"Here. I'll take you to her." I quickly grabbed Roger and Mimi from where they were dozing off on each other, and we went to go see her.


	13. His Name, We Had Learned

Mimi and Roger were walking behind Angel and I down the corridor, nervously holding one another's hands when it occurred to me that I hadn't told them she was okay, though I had figured that they would've been able to figure that out. Maybe they were just afraid of what they might find—not only in her physical status, necessarily, but rather where she was mentally. I was equally as scared as they were, possibly even more so. Angel opened the door to one of the rooms, gesturing for me to enter. I inched towards the door hesitantly at first, but remembering what Angel had said…_She's lucky to have someone who cares about her as much as you do…_I became much more eager, my old feeling of desperation returning, my desire to help her.

"Marky?" Her voice was soft and hoarse, as though she were about to lose it, or just beginning to recover from having lost it. I couldn't remember Maureen ever having lost her voice, which had always astounded me given that she spent so much of her time screaming her lungs out. I took one of her bony hands in my own, amazed at the way her rings slid around her fingers when I lightly squeezed it, wondering why I hadn't noticed this before.

"Yeah. I'm here. I'll always be here." She smiled ever so slightly, although it appeared that this took a great deal of the energy that she had left in her exhausted form. I sat gently beside her, tenderly wiping away some silent tears that were flowing down her noticeably shrunken cheeks. She had always had prominent features, but the loss of weight caused the hollows between her cheekbone and jaw line to contrast more sharply than I would have thought possible, though somehow, even in this sickly and atrocious state, there was a beauty about her that couldn't be explained. Maybe it was just that I was so in love with her still, but her eyes seemed to sparkle when she looked at me. Her harsh features were sharply contrasted by her soft, scared demeanor, and there was something, if not beautiful, then at least intriguing about this contrast.

"Marky, did you call her?" I looked deep into her eyes, trying to gage whether she would be upset or relieved that I had, not wanting to pain her if she hadn't wanted me to. But she and Joanne deserved each other, and I was determined that they were going to be together. She looked distant, and I couldn't read her expression, so I merely sighed and nodded, then finally found my tongue, seemingly, and the courage to speak.

"She's coming, Maureen, she'll be here in a couple of hours. She got the soonest flight she could out of Chicago…" Maureen's face fell, and she seemed upset, though I couldn't tell whether it was because Joanne was so far away, that Joanne hadn't told her where she was going, or maybe just because she genuinely didn't want to see Joanne. I decided not to push the matter, and instead reassured her that everything would be okay. Being that I couldn't really tell what she wanted, I didn't want to say the wrong thing, so that everything would work out seemed to be the only thing that I could say without fear of hurting her. I heard Roger moving towards the bed, out of the shadows from the curtain divider that divided the room (obviously) into two sections—this room was pretty much identical to the other one that she had been put in, and was actually only a few doors down. I felt Maureen's body tense at the sound of footsteps and relax as Roger came into view and kissed her forehead. I moved away slowly, reassuring her that I would be right back, telling her that I wanted to go call Collins and tell him what was going on. She nodded lightly, still looking somewhat skeptical.

Instead of going directly to the phone, I wandered around a bit, and found myself beside the closet where I had found her after the doctor had attempted to take advantage of her, and I shuddered, remembering the unsettling incident. I continued quickly down the hallway and plowed straight into none other than Benny, who was going full speed ahead in the direction from which I was coming. We both knocked heads and exchanged vulgar expressions while not looking at one another. Upon hearing each other's voices, we both jumped and embraced awkwardly, never having been all that close in the past, but both of us clearly out of sorts. He spoke first.

"Hey Mark. What're you doing here?" I gulped, not wanting to tell him the truth, afraid of what his reaction might be, that he might make fun of Maureen, that she would be hurt and angry if I told him what had happened…

"Maureen had an accident." He looked truly concerned.

"Is she okay?" I nodded.

"She has some damaged to her larynx, so they said she might have some trouble speaking, but she's been a little out of sorts lately, so I'm hopeful that it won't devastate her as much as it would have before." Benny nodded, clearly concerned about the drama queen, though why I wasn't exactly sure. He and Maureen had never really gotten along and were constantly exchanging harsh words, hateful glares…you name it.

"I'm so sorry. Send her my condolences." I was surprised that he hadn't pried a little more, as Benny always wanted to know everything about everyone, mostly so he could use it against that person. I was glad, in a sense, because I didn't want him to hurt her, but at the same time, I really wanted to talk to someone about her, as I was concerned.

"Benny, what're you doing here?"

"Huh? Oh, uh…Alison just had a…um…surgery. There was some potentially cancerous growth." I blinked, trying to take in the information, but not really caring much for Muffy and thus finding it hard to focus, especially given Maureen's condition. I couldn't help but feel sympathetic, though. Cancer was a hard thing to deal with, and cancer scares were the worst.

"I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope everything's okay." He nodded, and we went our separate ways, both heading back in the direction from which we had come.

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**AN:** Sorry the update took so long. Didn't get many comments on the last chapter. I know this chapter isn't so long or exciting, but I've had a bit of writer's block. Don't forget to review! Will update soon, provided you motivate me to do so :) 


	14. Without You

**AN:** Sorry the update took so long, please keep reviewing! Curious to know what you think of this, as always. Thanks for your support and continued reading!

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As I ran back towards Maureen's room, I realized that I still hadn't called Collins, so I turned around again, sighing, not wanting to be away from Maureen for such a long time. At least Roger was with her and would be able to look after her while I was gone, but I was still afraid that she would freak out and think that I was leaving her, which recently had seemed like her most prevalent concern, which was understandable given what she had been through. I dialed the loft's number, and Collins didn't even bother to screen, his impatience evident in his voice.

"Well?"

"She's going to be pretty much fine, although they said there was some damage to her larynx…"

"Oh that's not good…the drama queen _needs_ her voice."

"Well, they said after a little while it would probably be alright again. I'm hoping that after she copes with all this shit that she's been dealing with her voice will be back to normal, too. I just saw her and she is able to talk, albeit softly, but I'm hopeful. For her sake." My eyes started to well up with tears for Maureen. I didn't know how she was going to make it through, but I knew that she could, especially if we all stood by her side, if we supported her. She needed us, and she had been there for all of us when we needed it desperately, well, most of the time. Even after she dumped me, she made sure that I was doing as well as could be expected. Even though her ideas weren't always helpful or appropriate, it was her thought, devotion and passion that really counted, and we all knew that we owed her a lot. She was a huge part of our family.

"How are you handling all of this, Mark?"

"I think I'm taking it harder than she is. All I have ever wanted is for her to be happy. I never thought that it would be this hard."

"I'm going to come down there in about and hour or so, but I need to get some sleep in…I'm feeling kind of tired."

"Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine. I just want to make sure that I'm not coming down with anything because…you know." The reality that at any moment Collins could be taken from me was petrifying, and I found that I couldn't respond, so I nodded my head before realizing that nodding into the phone didn't really do any good. Collins cleared his throat and clarified that I would see him later and hung up, but I couldn't help the feeling of impending doom, and that my life, and everything that I had wanted was going to hell. Fast.

I sat down in the little closet that I had found Maureen in, leaving the door open, and watched people rushing around, seeing Angel pass me by, unnoticed, detached, and alone.

After a while, I managed to compose myself, knowing that I couldn't go back into the room as vulnerable and pained as I had been after talking to Collins, given that he always knew exactly what to say to make me really think, especially about what I didn't want to consider or realize. Maureen wouldn't have been able to bear it. I headed back into the room to the sound of Maureen's cell phone ringing. I began to hand it to her so that she could answer it, but she told me to pick it up because it hurt for her to speak.

"Hello?"

"Mark?"

"Joanne?"

"Yeah. Listen…I'm going to be there soon. I just got a cab from the airport, so it should only be about ten minutes or so. Can I talk to her?" She sounded panicked, which relieved me because I was afraid of what their encounter would be like. I handed the phone to Maureen, who stared at it in disbelief for a moment before bringing it to her ear. She looked completely petrified, so I took her free hand in my own, squeezing it gently. She held on tightly, glancing at me quickly before fixing her eyes on her lap.

"Hello?" She sounded like a frightened child, her voice still weak, a pained expression crossing her face as she forced the word out. I could barely make out Joanne's voice, but I could still understand every word she said.

"Maureen? Are you okay?" Maureen coughed, a deep raspy cough, before she was able to speak.

"I guess. It hurts to talk." I figured that she said this in the hope that Joanne would hang up soon, although I got the impression that she desperately wanted to talk to her.

"I just called to tell you that I'm almost at the hospital. I talk to you more when I get there, okay?" Maureen cleared her throat, clearly not enjoying her present condition.

"Alright. But just…what…were you doing in Chicago?" I heard Joanne sigh loudly.

"Everything in New York reminds me of you. I thought moving would help. But then I realized everything reminds me of you. I also realized I don't want to forget you…not that I could, believe me." Maureen remained silent, unsure of what to say, so Joanne once again said she would speak with Maureen once she got to the hospital and hung up. Maureen slid down in the bed and closed her eyes, turning her back to me after liberating her hand, curling up into the fetal position. I rubbed my hand lightly over her back and sat in a chair beside the bed. She glanced over once to make sure I hadn't left, and I saw her body relax and her breathing become more regular, so I knew that she had fallen asleep. Shortly thereafter, I dozed off slightly as well, half sleeping as I waited for Joanne's arrival.


	15. Though We May Have Our Disputes

**AN:** Thanks for all of your reviews! Sorry the update took so long...everything has been so hectic lately! I hope you like it...don't forget to leave thoughts/comments:)

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I was jolted awake to the feeling of Joanne prodding my shoulder impatiently—actions like these indicated her lawyerly side. I groaned and opened my eyes.

"Hey Joanne."

"How has she been? I mean…aside from physically." Her eyes softened out of clear concern and I inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. _So maybe I won't have to deal with lawyer Joanne, after all…_

"She's been really torn apart by your breakup and you not believing that she was raped, in addition to her actually being raped and then molested by a sex-starved doctor. And then obviously she was depressed because she tried to kill herself." She rolled her eyes at me.

"I see you've taken _her_ side?"

"Well, so has everyone else, so you'll have a hard time convincing anyone that you're right…especially since you ran away from it all. If you had seen the condition that she has been in ever since you kicked her out, you would know." Joanne looked stunned and speechless. I fixed my eyes on the disheveled drama queen, whose body tensed when her eyes locked on Joanne. Joanne turned her eyes to look at Maureen with the same disgust as she had when she had brought Maureen's things over to the loft. She had moved to Chicago extremely quickly, and I couldn't help but wonder if kicking Maureen out were some way of pushing her away to avoid heartache…that maybe she had been transferred to Chicago, and didn't want to somehow hurt Maureen by causing her to choose between us and Joanne, trying to make it easy for both of them. Despite the torment that I knew Joanne must be feeling, and this new suspicion, I couldn't help but blame her for hurting Maureen.

Joanne and Maureen eyed each other suspiciously and cautiously for a long while. I stood and started walking away to give them privacy, but Maureen desperately clutched my hand. I kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair before liberating my hand from her unyielding grip, which was a struggle. I reassured her, and walked just to the other side of the curtain divider, which was only partially pulled across, considering there wasn't another patient in the room. I stood just out of sight although still able to see everything, listening intently.

"Joanne, what the hell do you want from me?" Maureen's voice was strained, and because of her inability to scream spoke in a sort of angry stage whisper. Joanne sat down gingerly on the side of the bed, looking deep into Maureen's eyes.

"Honey…I'm sorry. I never…"

"Forget it. Sorry isn't going to cut it. I don't want to hear it."

"I don't believe that. Just let me finish. I never wanted to hurt you. I think I did believe you when you said you had been raped. My parents were transferring me to Chicago, and I tried to get out of it, but it wasn't working. I found out about it months ago, but I could never bring myself to mention it to you. I couldn't tear you away from your little family here. As it was, I never really felt as though I was a part of it…it wouldn't have been a big deal for me. I didn't intend to break up with you, but…I don't know. I had to leave that day—they day when I broke up with you. I knew that if I had done the right thing—taken care of you, made sure that you were okay—all the things that I longed to do…I would have lost my job. I know that sounds crazy because I work at my parents' firm, but they gave me an ultimatum. I either had to go to Chicago with or without you or I had to find a new job. They told me they would make it hell for me to find another job, what with all the connections they had, so I really didn't have much of a choice. I couldn't take the pressure. I'm so sorry, sweetie, I never should have done that to you. Can you forgive me? Can we give this another try?" Both women were crying now, but Maureen pushed away from Joanne. Joanne was truly apologetic, and I know that she must have believed that if time could be reversed, she would have stayed with Maureen, but I suspected that wouldn't have held true. It was Joanne's nature to be on good terms with her parents (well, as long as that didn't include her sexuality). It was her nature to be employed. She wasn't completely one of us, but at the same time she wasn't one of _them_ either.

"Joanne…you broke my heart—you broke all of me! After you kicked me out, nothing in my life was right anymore. I hated everything about myself. I tried to kill myself. The fact that you put me through that is preposterous! You lied to me, and that lie caused this…mess that my life has become! I never loved anyone more than I loved you, but now…even though it has been so painful being without you…I don't know that I can forgive you. You assumed that I would never move with you to Chicago, you thought that this…this…whatever it is that I have here was more important to me than you were, without even asking me. You were prepared to just up and leave me without looking back. Now you want me to forgive you because you can't stand being without me! Joanne, I can't do this! I don't know what to do. You confuse me." Joanne was astonished that Maureen had the gall to deny her proposal of reuniting, and quite frankly, I was shocked as well. Maureen was absolutely out and out sobbing by this point, and I couldn't stand to see her like that. Joanne looked tormented as I turned my eyes away. I knew that she must have been completely at a loss for words and torn apart inside.

When I looked up, I was surprised to see Maureen willingly sobbing into Joanne's shoulder as Joanne quieted her. I couldn't help but wonder if Maureen usually was that sensitive when she was with Joanne, or if this were completely out of the ordinary. Maureen had only cried maybe once or twice around me the entire time that I had gone out with her. I realized now that there must have been a million things she had been hiding from me. I should have known better than to let them slide. She had said that she left me because I was too enamored with her, because I thought to highly of her. I let her get away with cheating on me without even so much as a confrontation. What if I had let her give me HIV, she had screamed at me, had I no sense? I knew that she was right, but I also knew that she was careful about sex, despite her multiple partners. I could also tell that she was hurting, but I didn't want to pry because I was afraid that she would just up and leave, but ironically the fact that I didn't press caused that very outcome.

Collins walked into the room, and set his hand on my shoulder. I eyed him wearily and the two of us sat down on the other bed in the room, which was hidden by the curtain. Roger and Mimi got up from the bed, saying they were going to find coffee.

"So, did they make up?"

"I'm not quite sure. It looks like it, but you never know with those two." He chuckled softly.

"You know, Mark, there is nothing wrong with the fact that you still love her, but you are going to need to make yourself understand that you have another place in her life now, albeit and important one, but not what you were accustomed to." I could feel myself blushing.

"I know. I'm starting to get the hang of that, I think. These past couple of weeks she has been so much like my baby sister, you know? I don't know. I love her, though, and want her to be happy. Whatever that means for me." Collins nodded and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Well, she is lucky to have such a good friend there to look out for her." Suddenly, Joanne pulled the curtain back, and gestured for us to come closer. Collins gave Maureen a huge hug, whispering something to her that I couldn't quite make out. Collins sat at the foot of the bed, Joanne sat in a chair on Maureen's left, holding her hand, and I sat to her right. Joanne cleared her throat and spoke.

"Maureen and I have some things to discuss with you guys…as soon as Roger and Mimi get back here." I couldn't read her expression, it was utterly blank, and I couldn't imagine what there would be to discuss…


	16. It Blew Out Again

**AN:** Hey again, sorry the update took so long, guys. Your reviews and support have been incredible! I hope this chapter isn't too sappy or stupid, and that you enjoy it! Please don't forget to critique and I promise that the next installment will be up shortly.

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Once everyone was together, Joanne spoke first. Their hands were no longer joined. Maureen was staring at the floor tiles as though they were fine art and endlessly intriguing.

"I don't think this is going to come as a surprise to anyone, but I thought that we ought to get it out there just so that there isn't any confusion or awkwardness. Maureen and I are over. It wasn't working, and my job is in Chicago, and I can't ask her to give up her life here, or to surrender this family, because I know that you guys are everything to her. Also, although I have pleaded with Maureen and want her back more than anything, she will not have me, and I know that I deserve that. I know that I have put her through Hell, and I just ran away, I let her suffer. I hate to cause her pain. My work is my life, and I know that I will be fine on my own, just as Maureen knows that she will be fine without me, and knowing that she has all of you to look out for her, I feel that she will be well cared for…" I absolutely could not believe the words that were coming out of Joanne's mouth. I had expected them to declare that they were getting back together, that Maureen was going to move to Chicago with Joanne or Joanne was going to move back. I was slightly puzzled as to why they saw this as being so important.

Maureen's eyes were tearing, though still fixed on the linoleum. I saw confused expressions on everyone else's faces too in addition to the already prevalent anger towards Joanne for what she had done to Maureen. I reached out and gently and rubbed her forearm. Maureen raised her eyes to meet my concerned gaze, and she lost it altogether. Fortunately, nobody else seemed to have noticed our slight exchange. I slid my chair over closer to her, though, and hugged her in an awkward position since she was lying down. She held me tightly and I was frightened by her intensity, as always. I felt the others exchanging confused glances behind my back, or perhaps I was just being paranoid, but knowing them as well as I did, it seemed very likely.

I heard a shuffling of feet, and curious, I lifted my head to see the others leaving the room. Maureen panicked when I moved my head and held me ever tighter.

"Shh…honey, I'm not going anywhere. Are you okay?" She let out a little whimper, so I wrapped my arms around her even more tightly. "Everything's going to be okay."

"How can you know that, Mark? What if it's not okay? What if I just made the biggest mistake of my life?" She seemed so defeated, I didn't know what to do, but I just wanted my Maureen back, the self-confident, witty, hilarious woman that I fell in love with. This softer version is endearing, in a way, but it concerns me.

"If you are so scared, why did you tell Joanne that you would be fine?" She looked down.

"Because I…I don't love her. I…" Her voice faltered into nothingness. I rubbed her back and soothed her, telling her that whatever it was that she was trying to say was perfectly okay and I would love her anyway, that whenever she was able to tell me was fine. I was beginning to get concerned after several minutes because she calmed down and was completely still, not speaking. If I hadn't been able to feel her heart beating and her breath on my neck, I probably would have thought she was dead.

"Maureen, are you okay?" She moved back a little bit so that she could look me in the eye and smiled. Then she whispered,

"Yeah, I'm fine Marky. I'm exactly where I need to be." She nuzzled my neck, which caused me to jump and eye her suspiciously.

"What are you doing?" She slid a hand up and down my arm.

"Marky, I love you." My face contorted to show utter confusion.

"I know. And I love you too, but…" She put her index finger over my lips, silencing me, then replaced her finger with her lips, gracing me with a gentle, tender and genuine kiss. "What was that for?"

"Mark…I should tell you…I have to tell you, actually…I shouldn't have let you go. I was hurting and alone, and I didn't want to bother you. I didn't think my problems mattered. Joanne showed me the opposite was true, which was why I was drawn to her, initially, but it ended up being her downfall, along with her insecurity. She always suspected I was still in love with you, that I was just rebounding and…at first I thought it was ridiculous, but…I think she was right, Mark, I want to be with you." She was crying by now, and I was at a loss for words, utterly dumbfounded. "Of course, I mean…if I've hurt you too much and you don't…"

"No, Maureen! Since when do you think like this? Of course I want you! I love you more than life itself. I promised to be better this time." She squeezed my hands and looked deep into my eyes.

"Can we try to pick up where we left off before things got fucked up? Like, when you used to pay attention to me and I used to stay home with you at night? I miss that. I miss you." I nodded, laughing lightly.

"Of course. I want that too. God, Maureen, I love you so much. I never thought that I would get another chance with you." Her eyes started to tear again, and she wrapped her arms tightly around me, apologizing profusely.

"Oh God, Mark, I'm so sorry that I was so terrible to you…I really don't deserve another chance…I'm so sorry…so sorry…" She went on like that until she tired herself out and fell asleep.


	17. I Know Blue

**AN:** Sorry this is so short and took such a long time...I didn't really know where I was going with this, and then I got really busy with school...please leave me reviews!!!

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They let Maureen out of the hospital a couple of days later, and by that point her voice was beginning to return to normal—not that any of us really doubted that she would be able to pull through, being that her voice was practically her trademark. I was confident that she would be able to defy even logic in order to get her voice back.

She acted very strangely after she came back to the loft. Sometimes she would seem really happy, seeming to be her old self—she seemed happy every time she saw me—but then, when she thought no one was looking, she would randomly break down and start crying. The rest of us were on eggshells around her, and libel to snap at each other at the slightest provocation because we were so exhausted from trying to help Maureen.

She continued to feel inadequate and undeserving of my affection, and the second chance that I had granted her, but I felt that something was still off, something was missing. I felt like she still missed Joanne. She would try to pretend that she was fine, but we could all tell that there was something that she wasn't telling us. My theory about Joanne, of course, was merely speculation; there could have been any multitude of things bothering her.

I tried to get closer to Maureen, find out what was going on in her head, but no matter how hard I tried, she always pushed me away. Sure, she would use my shoulder to cry on if I walked in on her when she was sobbing, beg me to hold her when she was lonely or scared, but she didn't tell me what was bothering her. I couldn't figure out why she was so distant. It hurt me to see her this way, with nothing that I could do to help her because she wouldn't tell me what was wrong—she was like a baby or a puppy, seemingly unable, or maybe just unwilling, to communicate her pain with me.

I walked into the bedroom one day at around 4:30 when I had finished filming for the day—intentionally early so I could spend some more time trying to understand what was going on with Maureen—she was still sleeping, tossing and turning fitfully. The previous night she had left the bed in the middle of the night when she thought I was asleep. In the morning I found her curled up in the bathtub, crying. When she saw me, she just got up and went back to bed. That was at 7:30. As far as I could tell, she hadn't moved since then. I knelt down beside the bed, gently shaking her awake. She had said both my name and Joanne's several times as she had tossed, and when I woke her up, she was completely disoriented, then she just looked into my eyes and began to cry again. All I could do was hold her in my arms and pray that she would open up to me soon…


	18. Who Knows

**A/N:** Kinda short and fluffy...update should be soon and more substantial. Please review!

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I woke up alone in bed the following morning to the sound of Maureen singing in the shower. It was the most beautiful sound that I had heard in a long time. I heard the water cut off and she came dancing into the bedroom, still singing. I was facing away from her when she walked in so she didn't know that I could hear her. I turned around when he back was to me and watched her naked form swaying to the song she was singing.

"Hey beautiful. I see you're feeling better today." She jumped at the sound of my voice, and a deep blush rose around her neck.

"I...yeah. I didn't know you were up yet." She stammered.

"Sorry, I didn't meant or upset you...I can--"

"No, no, you're perfect. It's fine." She came over to the bed, still undressed, and sat beside me. She leaned down and kissed me gently. "I am feeling much better, thanks. I know I was driving you crazy and...probably scaring you shitless."

"If you don't mind...can I ask you...are you sure you're okay now?"

"Yeah...I'm fine, why?"

"Because, Maureen, I know that you have a tendency to suppress your emotions and I know how dangerous that is." She sighed.

"Well, I mean...I'm still not totally okay. And...actually I'll probably...spaz out a lot more and scare you."

"What...what were you so upset about?" She squirmed uncomfortably. "I...you said my name...and Joanne's...a lot. If you don't want to talk about it, that's cool, but..." She held her hand up to me.

"I'll just come right out and say it. I was having some doubts about not going back to Joanne...you know, because I love you both so much...and I'm still not completely certain...I just...because I really don't want to hurt you anymore...so...I just thought I should tell you anyway...but yeah." She was looking down at her hands and picking at her nails. I lifted her chin gently and kissed her.

"None of that matters. Even if you leave me for her, that's fine. Because right now, you're mine. And nothing can change that." Her eyes teared and she jumped on me, straddling me, kissing me happily and passionately.

"God, Mark, I love you so fucking much. You are too good to me."


End file.
